I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
