this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Randomize
