the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
