Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
