Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Randomize
