i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
