she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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