Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
