Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
