Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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