ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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