I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
