Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Randomize
