A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
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