Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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