My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
