can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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