"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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