If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
