You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
