i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
