I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
