i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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