please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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