I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
