Moan for me like Helen Keller
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize