Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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