So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
My balls are so social today.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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