so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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