Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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