I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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