I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
