one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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