why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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