I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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