I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
