A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
