sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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