So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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