If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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