omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
