I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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