I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
She's the barista slut.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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