so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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