so that wasnt chicken after all
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
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