i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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