I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
