I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
