You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Are my feet made of real feet?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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