When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
