We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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