She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
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