I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
