I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?