totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
